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Beyonce is perfect, okay? Well, at least that’s what the #BeyHive coalition who is pointing the lacefront glue at me is telling me to type. She can do no wrong, and everyone else just has to snatch their lives and DEAL WITH IT.

BEAUTY VIDEOS
[Whispers] Is the #BeyHive gone yet? They are? Cool. Lean in. Closer… yes, closer… you’re a little too close, back up. Ion’t like people all in my space like that. While the Queen Bey might be seemingly perfect, and — now this may be hard to believe — there are a few things she can’t do. Now, while I haven’t talked to her in a good while, let me clue you into the things, I bet my bottom Sacajawea she simply has no way around.

Here’s 5 things Beyonce can’t do!

She can’t boil water

beyonce thinking

Can you picture her doing this? Or even knowing her way around the stove? I mean, no shade, but people like Beyonce have personal chefs and everything. It’s understandable if she didn’t know that you can’t boil water in the microwave. And there’s all those times when she was in Destiny’s Chirren where every single interview they had they loved to talk about how they were always at Popeye’s. Boiling water is a task. Like it’s not the same on electric AND gas stoves. I’ll give her a slight pass.

She can’t fight

beyonce fight

Do we have to even go over how she sidestepped over her sister and husband that fateful night in the elevator? I think not. She ain’t ruining NOTHING for NOBODY! And why do you need to know how to fight when you have a scrappy little sister who isn’t afraid to get her gown dirty for you?

Tell a joke

bey_yeahright

Remember that time when she was super funny in that interview and had everyone rolling? Yea, about that. Not everyone can be funny, so it’s totally cool if she can’t deliver a joke. But she seems like the type to tell the joke all out of order (you know the kind of people I mean), where they tell the punchline in the middle of the joke and then say, “Wait, hold on, yeah I got it now!” and you’ve already left the room. If she could only tell jokes like in this vine

Read a map

beyonce readI know what you’re going to say, who can read a map nowadays? Trust me. If you’re lost somewhere and you only had a map with you to take your ass back home, you will know what to do. On the other hand…Mrs. Knowles-Carter? When you’re chauffeured since the age of fetus, you might think if you go to “Google Maps” you’ll get a definition. Sorry, boo.

Text

beyonce game

I mean everyone knows how to text, right? Nah, they don’t. And from someone who used to work at a cell phone retail store, you’d be surprised by how many people — young and old — just mash the keys and think they can formulate sentences. This is what I think her inner dialogue looks like when texting:

Okay, so where do I go when I want to send a textual message?
It’s not email?
Messages… Messages….
[Pauses] Wait. How does my telephone machine know the phone number of the person I want to send a message to when I type their name?
Is my phone… psychic?
[Phone shuts down]

FYI, we love Beyonce. These are just jokes!

 

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18 Comments

  1. July 22, 2014 / 11:23 am

    I’m not a #beyhiver or whatever you call it but this article makes Beyoncé sound stupid. She can’t text? Really? I think these are things she doesn’t have to do. I’m sure she knows how to do these things because she was a regular person before becoming who she is today.

  2. robin
    July 23, 2014 / 8:55 pm

    I’m sorry–I’m probably in the 10% that doesn’t get Bey. Years ago, I was watching tv with friends and DC sang. One of my (married) male friends came unglued (with his wife sitting there). I didn’t get her then. Her singing is mediocre. Her fame (along with many others) is the result of good genes, a good stylist, choreography and technology. I’ve heard her talk without a script, poor chile –I was embarrassed for her. There are many beautiful women pushing baby strollers, singing in the church choir, married to blue collar workers, running their own company, married to the POTUS, etc, etc. I much rather salute them than Bey-Z-Blue.

  3. Susan Y.
    July 27, 2014 / 2:13 am

    I think Beyonce is amazing. I don’t believe this post is intended as a put down of Beyonce, but take is in the spirit of tongue in cheek because the young lady continues to prove her talent over and over again. As an African-American woman, Beyonce along with Oprah, Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Diahann Carroll, and the many, many other women of color who help to shine a light on our greatness as women of strength, make me very proud to be who I am.

    • July 27, 2014 / 1:41 pm

      I’m glad you understood the purpose of the article. XO

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